Monday, January 16, 2012

You Hold Me Now

My heart wants to write about all of its sorrow, about a marriage that craves for some sort of refuge from the pain.  Write about my soul and the sadness, write about my daughter who I miss more every day.    I want to cry out to God, "why! why! why!".  But these lyrics keep seeping to the surface..."you hold me now, you hold me now".  During church on Sunday the service ended and the band played this song.  I just stood there with Dylan by my side and I held out my hands, I cried, I cried out loud.  My heart felt so much, there truly aren't words to describe.  I felt Jesus again.  I felt his breath on my skin, I felt his heart with mine.  I saw myself at the end of this life, I longed for this day.  I saw my little girl, in heaven now, and in that moment, heaven was not that far away.  Even if I live a lifetime, this season of hurt, suffering, pain will be erased and my true journey the journey that awaits all of His children will begin.  Whose to say that this is the end of my suffering, that Kelsie is the last tragic event of my life.  I am 32, I am very fortunate to have many people in my life that I love dearly.  Loved ones, that if were taken from this earth I would hurt just as deeply.  There is disease waiting around every corner.  Suffering, loss, pain it's all a part of what we must go through.  Suffering does not happen to people who deserve it (no one truly does) but bad things do happen to good people.  This is our world, it is not our God!  Our God is love, light, awe...our God gave Jesus, his only son, to die on the cross, so that when we have to absorb the hurt, the pain, the loss we now have light, we have Heaven.  Heaven, a place that our children go when they die.  A place were so many of our loved ones lift his name on high, waiting for the arrival of others.  Heaven is our life our gift, this world is just our passage.  We must understand what this world is made of in order truly stand in awe in front of our God.   We have a God who walked this earth, who absorbed the hurt, the pain and then was crucified. Nails driven through his hands, his feet, blood pouring from his brow.  We are not alone in our suffering. 

For the ten minutes that I stood there, my hands held out, my eyes wet with tears my thoughts and my love went to God.   Ninety-three days without my little girl, my world is dark, my anger is ramped, my hurt is deep, my sorrow, never ending.  Some days are great, some days are good, some days are horrific, but this life is so small in comparison to what God has waiting for us.   My suffering is now a part of who I am, my daughters death is engraved in my soul, I carry her sweet spirit with me until the day we meet again.

This is the story of my heart, buried beneath the pain this is my song.


  1. "If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete"

  2. Beautifully written Summer. Praying for you daily!